Introspection

After 6 months of hustling on building something out of me, and 2 months of proving it. We often forget to just take a day to ourselves and think about what concerns we have within ourselves.. 

Some questions I have been procrastinated, but still considered are the following: 

1. Why do I fear not having a secure future when I know it’s not in my control? 
2. Why can I not convince myself that I am worthy? 
3. How come my life has led me to an arduous career path instead of following the same path as the typical ones from my age? 4 years, then getting a job? 
4. Why am I still so “big”? 
5. Is love possible for me in terms of a significant other? I feel more in love with the work I do, my friends, and the community in a way
6. What am I missing to keep me from being fully happy, and always stressing with one thing? 

I wasn’t able to answer many because of the numerous distractions (i.e. friends, environment) but it was a good experience nevertheless. 

1. I fear not having a secure future knowing it’s not in my control because of accountability. I need something to fall back on and show to my parents that things will be okay. The big question is WHY? Why does it matter? It matters because it’s insurance. I can’t be that young adult living with my uncle in his garage the whole time. I have a job for now and am capable of doing more. The pandemic has made it more acceptable. And I’m glad to be able to help them out when I can, to a certain extent. After all, they’ve done so much for me and are my family. A family is a safe place you can always fall back on because they’ve nurtured you and it’s an obligation, in a way. That’s why tribes are a thing and being a part of something gives you more purpose to live.
   
2. Why can I not convince myself that I am worthy? It’s hard when you feel you have not hit a milestone. Having all these contract roles is helping me understand what I like/don’t. But it’s not consistent, nor stable. I exert this confidence to a certain degree with friends and others but I also downplay myself, as Victor says. I do justify a lot, but have not accepted because of in denial knowing I can do better? And that will always be the case? You are your worst critic and at this point, I am comparing myself to others around me including my sister and cousins. I do seem like the “loser” at this point not having a stable career despite big dreams. I believe in meritocracy, but am so impatient with it. It’s a hard habit to break considering how recently I’ve come to ACCEPTANCE with the variables that aren’t in my control. I’ve slowed down a lot within the past maybe month, and it’s just the beginning of a new journey for that. Working hard and smart while finding balance is forever a journey, and I should be proud that I’ve hit that “milestone” of becoming aware of my scarcity mindset and acceptance. 
   
3. My life has led me to a circuitous route because of how many different interests I have. I just care so much that it becomes overwhelming. I like the fact I am willing and capable of doing many things, but stretching myself too thin does not specialize me or make me invaluable, which is something hiring managers look for. It’s just for the universe to put me at a place now. Of course, I would love to serve a community, which can mean anything. After listening to Bret Weinstein, I believe it is more with people who have a bigger influence on others. Helping the underserved is great, but helping the middle class and higher would increase success two-fold. Helping the underserved seems like it would just keep things at bay since the more fortunate ones have the capability to create a bigger impact on the world. The question is just how, and where do I start? That is why I would love to work for the city to gain more understanding and connections to how they all give shape to the community it is now.
   
4. Why am I so big? I think I anchor myself back to eating food because I’m always “stressing” about doing more and knowing more before I can make an effort when I will never know everything. Food is probably symbolic of my hunger for knowledge, knowing enough, but wanting to know more before I feel satisfied enough to proceed into whatever I am doing. I haven’t learned to cope with my stress as well as I do now- which is living more freely while still being cognizant of what I have to do. Setting boundaries for myself such as having a hobby to channel my passions into, as Jane’s therapist says, or just giving myself me-time and forming a good work area/living space has increased my morale. Acknowledging the scarcity mindset has given me more autonomy to spend a little for myself because I deserve some love for myself too. My happiness is important. 
   
5. Is love possible for me in terms of a significant other? I didn’t think about this much which to me just means it’s not a priority of mine. I’ve fallen so deep with the bonds I’ve established with my friends, my family, and myself within the past year- as should. This year has slowed everyone down to realize what should really matters. Rather than always advancing and wanting the very next best thing, it’s given us the opportunity to focus on the holistic side of things good or bad. We’re uncovering deep trauma from past history, and making a better future for ourselves and the community. All these breakups, riots and so forth, has started the unfortunate cancel culture but has also unlocked the door to open opportunities of uncomfortable talks to understand the world, each other, and hopefully find closure on some adversities. 
   
6. What am I missing to keep me from feeling happy? I think my friends helped me out with this. We will always want to be striving for more. When we feel comfortable, that’s our cue to breaking through that and finding new parts of ourselves, or just a deeper appreciation of happiness- which is an even more purpose to live and experience the many opportunities it gives you. There was one point in Japantown as I was eating the delectable soft serve , sesame paste flavor from Uji, where I just sighed of joy saying life is great. It really is, especially when you live it with purpose and gratitude. My insecurity of stability and not being able to fully channel my passion for work makes me think otherwise. And I can’t imagine what my next worry will be once I find a secured job. Life doesn’t have one finish line, but checkpoints. In the religious aspect (Buddhism) yes we are all suffering together, and the afterlife is when you’re set free. I do see that. You need to “suffer” aka experience, to understand what you don’t know to live a better life, and know why you deserve it. 

Other things that came up are: 

• I procrastinate on self-love/care. A prime example would be my drive to grasp all this knowledge on Philosophy, Politics, skillsets, etc. I know it’s good for my future career, but I lose the connection in the why. Which makes me feel less enticed to stick it through? Always changing my routine? Of course, it’s nice to spice things us as things to get mundane, but I also make sacrifices to talk to friends (before) and not give myself wind-down time. 
• What are worries and why do I have to care about the future so much? Already mentioned, but accountability. I feel the need to prove to people that I am going somewhere instead of myself. When it should be the other way around. Why should I care what other people think when it’s my life. As long as my heart is set on the decision and I’m sure to make it (save enough money/have security/game plan) then by all means.. 
• What’s actually wrong with me? Nothing. I just think and worry too much. In the process of trying to enjoy the setting in Japantown, I was trying so hard to enjoy life and live it, but I was too distracted with thinking. I think because I just care so much. I have such a huge heart and understand more of the tragedies and trauma the world holds. 
• My life choices right now don’t lead to any destination. I’m still experiencing what it has to offer before I settle with something. 
• When talking about Boba Guys getting #Metoo -ed, it really saddened me when I made the connection to how people, girls? took so long to file anything against them because they think their individual voice won’t matter. Now with this whole BLM and reparation movements going on, it’s become a catalyst for people to take bigger actions. The flip side of this is how extensive are the cases with all this cancel culture going on, but hey, at least we’re in a process of establishing what… it is? 

Cameron mentioned how these trips already tell you what you know, but I don’t think this encounter was enough, which is fine. I’m already working on myself with self-acceptance and my scarcity mindset. I have a new action plan going forward within the next few months on how I am going to live. Life is an experiment and as of last month I would say, and yesterday, it’s just the new beginning before I reach another level of myself. Self-acceptance will take a lot of time. With friends leaving, intimate trips, work, family, and myself to balance, I know I’m not the only one to do the same. 

At one point I was almost convinced to take a leap of faith with becoming an English teacher in Korea. But for now, I have faith I will find something more secure here.

It’s been great to take a step back on my bustling routine to reflect and re-frame it into a new approach. Writing this out feels really good and I look forward to checking at the end of September/mid-October to see how far I progress.